I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
