The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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