then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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