he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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