After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
