Your dad touched me again.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
