Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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