i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
