Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
