"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
