what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
