Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
