Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
im holly from the hills drunk
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
