she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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