I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
