How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We're too hungover to prance.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
