Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
