Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
