I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
