So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
