Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
