My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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