No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
