I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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