My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
