i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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