My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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