can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
