marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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