well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
