I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
