i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
