Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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