IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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