3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
