just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
