dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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