I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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