I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
