If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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