i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
