omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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