i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
