You made me cry and you don't even care
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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