yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
