I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
