1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if only i could text you this smell
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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