LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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