Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
