I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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