Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
