I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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