I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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