I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
