the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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